So… how’ve you been?

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I stopped writing The Winning Lines because I started dating someone truly lovely, so naturally ran out of hideous dating anecdotes.

 

Recently, I’ve started blogging again… I’ll probably share some archive Winning Lines as part of it, but this time it’s more about the random misfortunes, daft adventures and other nonsense that makes up my everyday life.

 

Hope to see you at my BiscuitBiscuit blog: http://fb.me/allthebiscuits

Hx

Don’t Let Me Down Gently

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I’m just a girl who can’t say no. So it was all rather awkward when a friend of a friend called to ask me out because I absolutely didn’t fancy the guy; I didn’t even like him.

His call took me by surprise as our mutual friend hadn’t told me he’d asked for my number. I’ve always been unfailingly polite – to the point of lunacy – and I wanted to turn him down nicely. Unfortunately, I was already on the back foot and I didn’t handle the conversation well.

Continue reading Don’t Let Me Down Gently

Try the Potato.

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Two cocktails down, and we were getting on rather well; time for a bite of supper.

We stumbled into a Mexican restaurant and ordered alcohol and food. Pork tacos for me, chicken tacos and a side of spiced potatoes for him. The food duly arrived, and we tucked in.

“Try the potato”, he offered.
“No thanks, I’ve got plenty of food here.”
He leaned in. “Try the potato. It’s really good.”
“Really, I’m fine. I don’t really fancy the potato.”
“Why won’t you try the potato? You really should try it.”, he insisted.

I started worrying that he was going to leap over the table with a forkful of the stuff.

“Fine. I’ll try the potato” *chew chew chew* “There you go, I’ve tried the potato, and it’s very potatoey.”

He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms and smiled, apparently satisfied.

At the end of the night, he gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It’s good when you know where you are in life, isn’t it? Even if we’re at different stages.”

I’m still not entirely sure what he meant, or how he came to that conclusion. It was probably my reluctance to try the potato.

The Sound of Silence

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It’s one thing when there’s an awkward pause in a conversation. It’s another thing when your entire conversation is made up of awkward pauses, punctuated with the odd sentence.

Here’s David with the tale of one particularly agonising date, considering he’d travelled over 200 miles to meet Rebecca.

“We’d been chatting online, and by text, for a few months; finally I met Rebecca in person one Friday morning.

We chatted for a while: “I feel like I’m being interviewed”, she complained.

Continue reading The Sound of Silence

Eau de Carlsberg

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He texted me two hours before we were supposed to meet: “I still really want to see you, but you should know I had a really heavy night last night, and I’m extremely hungover. Also, I am wearing inappropriate shoes.”

I presumed that this was a nice way of saying he needed to cancel, and I asked if he’d rather postpone, but no.

He did indeed turn up for the date bleary-eyed, reeking of booze and wearing dive boots.

Office Romance: A Cautionary Tale

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There’s a compelling reason to never, ever EVER date anyone that you work with; if it all goes wrong, you still have to see them every day.

Here’s Jonesy, with a tale of office romance that didn’t end happily ever after:

“I met Claire at work. She had the instant WOW factor; proper crazy crazy hair, dark thick rimmed geek glasses and a slash of crimson lip gloss.

I immediately sent my spies off into the office to find out her status… Bingo! She’s single! I set about my charm offensive…

Continue reading Office Romance: A Cautionary Tale

Hair We Go Again

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Thanks Kate for sending in this snippet from what surely was a wonderful date:

“Your hair’s naturally like that, isn’t it? Aye… No-one would choose to have it looking that mental.”

Kate admits that her hair can be a law unto itself, but really that was rather harsh.

Thanks Kate for sending your story in!

Quiz Time: Is Internet Dating Right for You?

There are plenty of things that I’m not an expert in. For example, I can’t speak Russian. I’m also a reasonably lousy dancer. Hand me a unicycle and I’ll hand it back, shamefaced. Leave me in the woods overnight, I’ll get eaten by squirrels.

Continue reading Quiz Time: Is Internet Dating Right for You?

Ignorance isn’t Bliss

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Thanks Tim for this story:

“I met with Jane, who told me that she was separated, but not technically divorced.  

Sadly her husband was blissfully unaware of this.”

Oh dear. It’s quite one thing to launch yourself back on the dating scene before you’ve fully recovered from your previous relationship. It’s another thing entirely to launch yourself back on the dating scene while you’re still in your previous relationship.

Better luck next time, Tim!

Dinner for One

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We were sitting in a restaurant when my date announced:

“I can’t actually afford to order anything.

But if you want to buy yourself something to eat, I’m more than happy to sit and watch you eat it.”

The U-Turn

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We’d been mates for a while, but I’d always had a bit of a crush on him.

After a particularly lovely night out, he suddenly leaned in and kissed me.

My heart was pounding. my mind was spinning, my cup of joy was overflowing.

And then he pulled away, paused, and said:

“Errr, I didn’t mean to do that. I really didn’t mean to do that. I like you and everything, but not in that way. Sorry.”

The whole episode was over within five minutes. The crushing sense of defeat lasted for months.

The Amazing Spiderman

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It was my second date with a work colleague. I knocked on his front door, only to be greeted with a shout:

“HELP! HELP! HANNAH, GET IN HERE NOW!”.

The door was open, so I shoved my way in, in a bit of a panic.

My date was in the lounge. Screaming. Armed with a vacuum cleaner.

“GET THE BASTARD THING OUT OF MY HOUSE!”, he shouted, gesticulating wildly with the hose of the vacuum.

He was pointing at a little spider in the corner of the room. Apparently he’d been trying to suck the little fella up using the vacuum cleaner, but the hose wouldn’t reach that far. Instead, he seemed to be using the machine as some sort of armour against the minibeast.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HANNAH, HELP ME! KILL THE FUCKING THING!”.

I got a chair, a glass, a bit of card, and escorted the spider outside.

That was the most memorable part of the whole date.

Bigot’s Banquet

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Here’s Matt with a tale of a disastrous date:

“I was in a restaurant, on a second date with Veronika, a Russian girl from my Masters Program.

Half way through the first course, I realised that the fact she talks incessantly without pause wasn’t actually first date nerves, but a part of her character.

Continue reading Bigot’s Banquet

Hello there…

Well, it’s been a fun month. I spent most of it without broadband thanks to BT, and their complete failure to fix the problems on my phone line (they told me it was all sorted, turned out it wasn’t, hey-ho another two weeks without broadband).

I’m now back online now so that means I can crack on with illustrating and sharing more of your tales of disappointment and awkwardness.

Thanks to everyone who’s sent in a story; hoping to get them up soon. In the meantime, I’m always looking for more stories to go up on the site, so if you know someone with a good anecdote, please send them here.

Strange Relations

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Here’s Cliff with the story of an unfortunate co-incidence:

“This wasn’t the worst date I’ve had, but certainly one of the weirdest.

Many years ago I became quite friendly with a girl at a new job who worked in a different department, so I asked her out for a drink as we were getting along so nicely.

As we were walking along the Fulham Road, I stopped to check my pockets then noticed the girl had also stopped and was looking in the window of a shop.

I said ‘that’s funny, I used to live here, in the flat above.’

Her face and demeanour suddenly changed in an instant and she stood stock still and looked very serious: ‘What do you mean?’ she replied. I repeated what I had just stated.

She went pale.

Continue reading Strange Relations

Terrible, terrible conversations from terrible, terrible dates.