Thanks Drakeygirl for sending in this story:
“This was a long time ago; I was young and my hair was a bit bouffanty. My limited experience of boys had been the odd snog and clumsy fumble at parties, so I was very excited to be going on my first ever, proper, actual date.
We’d been set up by friends. He had a nice face, and seemed quite friendly. Normal, even. We went to a pub and chatted, and we were both a bit nervous, but we got through the evening with no disasters, embarrassments, or arrests, so I was feeling quite positive about things.
He drove me home. We sat in the drive of my parents’ house, and he leaned in towards me. I may have pursed my lips, readying for the kiss. But it was his hand that stretched towards me, and I remember thinking: “You’re going straight for the tits?” But my now tensed up chesticular area wasn’t the target, either. It was the seat he was reaching for, awkwardly, across me. His face was quite close to mine, as he looked at me intensely. I could hear his hand patting the car seat near my ear.
“Feel that,” he said. “Look at that.” (An awfully worrying phrase). I turned to see what he was talking about. He was stroking the seat. Looking closer, I could see that I was actually sitting on a seat cover. And that the cover was made entirely of beer towels stitched together. Beer towels. You know, the cloth mats pubs put on the bar to soak up the slops.
“I made that. Well, my mum did. And that’s yours now. That’s your seat. Your cover.”
It was kind of creepy. Not as creepy, I grant you, as if it had been stitched together out of human skin. But still creepy.
There was a pause. I could see him struggling to understand why I didn’t look thrilled at the honour bestowed upon me. A thought flashed across his face, and came out through his mouth: “Don’t worry, she washed them.”
I made my excuses and left. I’m not sure if I actually used the phrase: “This is all moving a bit too fast for me,” but I like to think I did.
I wonder if he ever found a girl for his patchwork pedestal?”
Thanks Drakeygirl! You can find more of her excellent writing here.