Many thanks to the splendid Mark Sadler for sending in this searingly painful story of a terrible, terrible date:
“A couple of friends of mine, who were in the early stages of a relationship, took note of my single status and decided that they would set me up on a blind date, so that I might know some of their happiness.
In embarking upon this course of action they overlooked two glaring truths: That I lack the levels of social intelligence necessary to navigate an evening in which I am expected to eat pasta while under the close scrutiny of another human being. Also that every one of my relationships had been, without exception, a surreal fiasco with a half-life comparable to that of Copernicium.
On this occasion I broke the three cardinal rules of first-dating:
1) I borrowed a ten pound note from my date and attempted to fold it into a rhinoceros, using a pattern that I had memorised from a book of dollar bill origami. The differing proportions of English and American currency did not strike me as being of particular importance until it was too late. My rhino was lost in translation and spent most of the evening standing lopsided in the middle of the table. I could tell that my date was anxious to retrieve her money, but was worried about offending me, as I was obviously a complete lunatic.
2) I talked obsessively and at great length about a book that I had been reading on the subject of sea snakes. In the back of my mind I could hear a little voice telling me to shut-up, but I couldn’t stop my mouth from moving. It occurred to me later that a lot of what I said on the subject of sea snakes could have easily been misconstrued as sexual innuendo.
3) Having established that I lived with my parents, I went on to boast about the number of large house spiders that were living on the ceiling, and in various nooks and crannies, of my creepy, cobweb-draped bedroom.
I knew that the date had gone badly because its orchestrators never asked me about it. There was a kind of unspoken agreement that it would never be mentioned. I have since voluntarily removed myself from the dating scene. I now lead a solitary life of quiet study and reflection.”
Thank you Mark.
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